You’re probably feeling completely stunned right now, trying to wrap your brain around what just happened. You toy with the idea that maybe it’s not really over, but the pain you feel hits like a tsunami, and all you’ve got are floaties to keep you above water.
How can it be over?
One minute your lives were intertwined, the next minute, all communication is abruptly stopped. And while you once knew their every move. Suddenly you’re not even sure where they are or what they’re doing.
So, you start to do things out of fear and desperation that you don’t usually do.
You try so hard not to think about them, but your mind won’t stop. It’s like a cruel April fools’ joke. Paranoia even sets in and you replay thoughts about who they are with and continually think about how much better they are handling it than you. If all that weren’t enough, then the social media obsession kicks in. You know that looking at their Facebook or Instagram page will hurt like hell, but nope… that won’t stop you.
Don’t worry, it’s not just you!
The experience of heartbreak can be so intense that the emotional feelings are the exact same as experiencing physical pain. The brain activity of people who have just gone through a major breakup has shown that when presented with a picture of their ex, their body temperature quickly changes and blood pressure spikes dramatically.
A lot of what we experience when going through a breakup is trying to deal with the feelings of shame. We not only believed in the love we were feeling, but we thought that our partner felt the same way. Falling short of the fantasy and dream of “forever” can feel like a terribly embarrassing and shameful failure.
It’s difficult for me to know exactly why they left you, because every breakup is unique. But I can tell you from over 30 years of experience that insecurity is one of the biggest reasons.
Do any of these sound familiar?
- acting jealous
- seeking approval
- being controlling
- being clingy
When you’re insecure, you’re telling your partner you feel you aren’t good enough for them.
Being confident is extremely attractive (and super sexy), which makes your partner feel like they are lucky to have you.
Your ex was attracted to you at some point. So, you know you can spark that attraction in them again. It’s actually not that difficult. However, before you try to spark the attraction, you need a clean state of mind. This means you need to remove the insecurity that might have built up.
Once you do, you can easily get them back. You just need to follow a few quick and easy steps, which are outlined in this FREE Breakup Survival Guide.
To help you get started right away, I’ve outlined each of the 5 steps from my book below. But just so you know, there is more to getting your ex back than just reading a few paragraphs. You’ll have to put in the work to make real change in yourself if you want them back for good.
Let’s start with…
DEFINITELY DON’T
- stalk them on social media
- drive by their house
- visit their family members as a substitute
- go to their gym or hang out at their favorite bar
- show up at their work or home
- drunk text or call
- wait for a phone call, text, or email from them
- beg, plead, or call them crying
- make threats of hurting yourself
- try to guilt them into getting back together
- try to split custody of the pets (using the animals to “see one another” is a bad idea. If you have to “share custody” do your best to make arrangements with a third party to assist, so you are not alone with your ex.
- keep pictures of them on your walls, in your phone, or in obvious viewable places
- rely on your ex for support in any way
- try to remain friends (right now)
- eat or drink excessively
- try to get even
- sue your ex for stupid stuff
- hold onto any of their belongings
- listen to “your song” or sad love songs (This can really pull you down a rabbit hole!)
STEP 1
Deal with the initial pain and create space. It’s OK to feel pain, but when you let your pain take over, it becomes unnecessary suffering. So, the first step is to focus on YOU. Part of focusing on you means you need to take a little time and space from your ex. This might sound counterintuitive because you’re here to get your ex back, but trust the process. There are too many negative emotions flying around and it only makes things worse if you can’t communicate from a positive state of mind. Space gives you and your ex the chance to think about the relationship… and usually, you’ll miss each other, which is good if you’re looking to get them back.
You may not want to hear this, but another reason you want to take some space is that it gives you a chance to evaluate whether you actually want them back. You’re probably experiencing some wild emotions right now and my guess is you aren’t thinking about moving on. All you can think about is getting them back because you want to feel whole again. I’m only suggesting that you keep an open mind about it. Once those wild emotions settle down and you’re able to think clearly again, you may have a different viewpoint. But for now, let’s focus on what you can do to get your ex back. This starts with you learning and growing from what happened. Emphasis on YOU GROWING.
How No Contact Works
This is a topic that you’ve either heard a billion times or are reminded of by everyone close to you. No contact after a breakup is a hard one, I know! No contact, literally means you DO NOT initiate communication with your ex or respond to their communications to you.
No contact with your ex is one of the greatest most important factors in healing after a breakup. Our brain literally treats emotional pain as it treats physical pain. Your brain detects pain and assumes there is a wound. In order for that wound to fully heal, you must care for it. That’s the same way your psyche needs to be treated.
Think about it as giving your heart the time it needs to heal from the wounds it’s endured. Just as an actual wound cannot heal if it keeps getting torn open, your heart is the same way.
As you allow time with no contact to heal your heart, your mind will water down the painful memories and the impact they have on you will lessen. This is true for your ex too! They need this time as much as you do. You definitely want them to forget about all the negative things that happened if you want to get them back.
There is no way to think clearly or make sound decisions on your own behalf when you are in pain. It just doesn’t happen like that. Think about deciding what you’d like to eat for dinner when you have food poisoning.
During this no contact period, along with allowing time for your wounds to heal, the concept of forgiveness, empathy, and perspective all come into play. You will find yourself in a healthier, clearer, state of mind that will be more congruent with a healthier future. And this is exactly what you want if you are trying to get your ex back.
A few no contact rules:
- Do not use friends or family to communicate, catch up, or make them jealous.
- Do not call them.
- Do not text them.
- Do not email them.
- Do not search for them on google.
- Do not stalk their social media.
- Do not frequent places they go to accidentally run into them.
- Do not drive by their home, work, or parent’s house.
- Do not lie to yourself about the reasons you need contact.
- Do not drunk call or text them!
- Do not try to use the children, the animals, or the legal system to get even or have contact.
A few things you should do:
- Let a third party communicate on your behalf if necessary.
- Keep a clear head.
- Utilize support and accountability if this is a downfall of yours.
- Try to approach this no contact rule with dignity and pride.
STEP 2
Let go of anger and resentment. I promise you if you try to get back with your ex and you are still hanging on to the things they did wrong. Your ex will realize you haven’t changed and you’re doomed to be right back where you are now… sad, angry, confused, and anxious. The time and space you’re taking is so you can let go of what happened in the past. The key to the entire process is making meaningful strides of self-improvement.
People by nature do not like to look their pain directly in the eyes and are hard-wired to run the other way. A better option is not resisting your own emotions and accepting how you genuinely feel. When you’re able to be authentic about your feelings, you develop greater self-acceptance and much more compassion for yourself. How do you do that? By going through each stage of grief.
STEP 3
Put yourself back together bigger, better, and stronger. This step is about building yourself back up. This is where you leave your insecurities behind and breathe confidence into your being.
In my book, we’ll take a deep dive into how you can put yourself back together, learn to forgive yourself (and them), discover your inner strength, live courageously, and let go of fear and sadness.
I know how a break up can totally trip away at your confidence and that it’s so hard to even try to imagine a life without them. I totally understand what you’re feeling, believe me, we’ve all been there.
But know that without self-confidence, it’s highly unlikely that you will be in the place to get your ex back. This step is massively important.
Let’s be clear, though, in no way am I talking about cockiness, as a matter of fact, for most people I’ve ever known, cockiness is a huge turn off! Confidence is not cockiness, because cockiness is an act, a defense mechanism and a hiding place for low self-esteem and fear. It can be stripped away within seconds and true confidence cannot.
Confidence grows, evolves, is super sexy and attractive in people. It is, however, like a muscle; if it’s not used and worked, it shrinks to nothing.
One thing I can tell you for sure is that the lack of confidence after a breakup is often triggered by a fear of being alone and abandoned. Fear leads to trepidation, insecurity and self-doubt, which certainly makes it challenging to work on building it back up. But nevertheless, you MUST.
Facing the things you are afraid of is literally the only way out of it.
So, take a minute and be super real with yourself (no one is gonna judge you but you, which I highly recommend that you don’t do) What are you most afraid of?
What makes you feel anxious?
- Being alone?
- What others think about you?
- That you’re not good enough?
- That the nasty things your ex said was true?
- You don’t deserve love?
- Feeling helpless?
After you figure out what you’re afraid of, wrap your arms around it and own it! Resisting it won’t make it go away. I promise you are not alone! When you recognize that fear is just a feeling and you can stay in the driver seat, it doesn’t have so much power and you’ll stop holding yourself back.
Uncovering Fears:
This isn’t an easy first step, but a huge one. Expose yourself… to yourself! What are you most fearful of? Embracing the “feeling” of vulnerability and finding the true source. The process should be very similar to peeling an onion. There are deeper layers to peel back, so don’t just stop at the skin. Look at what you fear and then look underneath that layer. For example, we may think we are avoiding acting on a goal, telling ourselves we must not want it very badly.
To recognize that we actually just do not want to feel vulnerable and show our “true self.” Under that? Perhaps, if people see who I really am, they may not love me. So, what happens? We avoid it altogether and tell ourselves we must not be that motivated to accomplish it. Researchers suggest that acting courageously on your own behalf demands an organic understanding about what drives the fears that stop you. Denial and avoidance do not fuel or support courageous action, so exposing your fears is a must.
STEP 4
Redefine who you are and discover what is important to you for future relationships.
Once you’ve developed a relationship with your fears and confidence has begun to build, you’ll find you begin to build momentum. This is the perfect time to redefine and reinvent yourself, both for you and to get your ex back. So, ask yourself, “What’s really most important to me in my life?” And recalling what your ex likely begged you for a thousand times or told you they saw in you that you had a hard time seeing, how would you answer? If you evolved and grew, would it affect any of the following:
- Would you be improving the things you really care about?
- Would you be improving the things that your ex really cares about?
- Would your new growth show a stronger sense of confidence?
- Would that stronger sense of confidence allow you to take action in your life?
- Would your growth support you in future healthy, long-lasting relationships?
- Would that growth bring out the best in you?
- Would that growth make you, the people you care about, and your ex, smile?
Awareness of your Thoughts:
Once you have exposed some of your fears, pay close attention to your own thoughts. Yes, think about thinking. Long patterns of negative thinking and specific negative thoughts erode our self-esteem. Thought Distortion occurs automatically and often without recognition. So, let’s expose your automatic thoughts and core beliefs. Break them down by determining the difference between what is a fact and what is an assumption. Making feelings a fact is a bad trap so beware. For example, “I feel worthless, so I must be worthless” is an unproductive core belief and damaging thought pattern. Distinguish the difference between productive thoughts and beliefs about yourself and unproductive thoughts and beliefs about yourself.
Creating a TRUE breakthrough… means consistent effort. Consistently applying the things you’ve learned is the key. People who actively practice new techniques, for example, detailed visualizations, positive affirmations, and utilizing empowering supportive techniques, are substantially better able to cope with painful situations than most and you can be one of them!
You will do this by building confidence and redefining who you are. Here are a few ideas to start you:
- Start a new hobby or get back to an old one
- Start exercising
- New wardrobe – yes, get yourself some new clothes that make you look and feel more confident.
- Eliminate any negative self-views. If you think you don’t deserve her/him, you won’t have her/him.
- Eat healthier and exercise more; how you feel physically will speak volumes.
- Dress in clothes that make you feel more confident. Seems silly, but it works.
- Begin your day with music that pumps you up or an inspirational YouTube video.
- Realize that you got her/him to desire you once; you can do it again.
- Breathe deeply; you’d be amazed how this alone can alleviate anxiety.
- Enjoy life a little; nothing will put you back in your ex’s mind faster than seeing you might be moving on.
- Focus on how you can contribute to a future relationship, not what led to your break up.
- Choose to be proactive and then don’t give yourself the option of inaction.
- Wake up in the morning and say to your reflection, “I have the same hours in a day as {Insert name of someone you admire} and I can do what I put my mind to.
STEP 5
Embrace the new version of you. Part of embracing this new you is defining your ideal partner and attracting them. Maybe this is re-attracting your ex or maybe this is attracting someone totally new. By the time you’ve reached this step, and I mean really doing the work it takes to make personal improvements, you will know if your ex is right for you.
Again, Setting Your Sights, Establish Goals:
Fears acknowledged, your self-worth determined, practicing Positive Thoughts and Taking Direct Action… now it’s time to write down your goals. Using courageous, bold language, put them down on paper. With as much detail and vision as you can muster up. Consider the small milestones and the large milestones and how you plan to celebrate them. Remind yourself this is not written in stone and you have the freedom to rewrite, reinvent and recommit if you so desire.
Develop Your Strategy and Create Actionable Steps:
Goals and vision without a strong, clear strategy and actionable steps will surely go south. However, taking action and practicing will absolutely build your self-esteem. It is a win-win! Again, these actions all strung together will bear amazing fruit!
Employing Compassion:
According to Webster’s Dictionary, the definition of compassion “implies pity coupled with an urgent desire to aid or to spare.” Employing compassion means you treat yourself as you would likely treat others building new skills. With love, generosity and kindness, actively practice compassion for yourself and displays of humanity.
Concluding Thoughts:
There is no question that fear can profoundly alter our direction and quality of life. Fear of failure can drive and motivate us. However, more commonly, it works to hurt and defeat us. Most likely, it’s the direct source that paralyzes us and keeps us from pursuing our biggest dreams. An ongoing negative inner dialogue and dysfunctional core beliefs undermine our self-worth and self-esteem, limiting our courage to pursue and accomplish those things we want most in life. A continuous chipping away at our self-esteem, reveals itself and when faced with obstacles and challenges and we interpret our feelings as proof of who we really are. Exposing your fears and negative self-talk with courage and compassion is the game-changer.
Knowing that courage comes directly from our brain, puts you back behind the wheel. Meaning when you act from a place of courage and deny that negative inner dialogue, your self-esteem muscle grows exponentially. Using proven techniques such as positive affirmations and progressive goal-setting alters your perspective and frame of mind without question, as is the thrust behind our courageous acts. You do not have to just imagine what your life would look like if you could train your brain to act courageously on your own behalf, but can actually do it! Remember… If self-esteem was once poorly developed and learned, it can be rebuilt again.
No matter what the reason for your breakup, understand there is hope for you. Even if the situation looks hopeless, if you follow the 5 Steps to Surviving & Thriving After Heartbreak, you will have a really good chance of getting your ex back, or you’ll come out on the other side with a renewed sense of excitement and discover that it wasn’t meant to be.
Whether you’re trying to get your ex back or just trying to feel whole again, the path you need to take is the same. Download your FREE Breakup Survival Guide now!
